Damn the Spanx

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A kind friend heard about my Recent Un-Employment Status, and immediately sent me a Parting Gift … I opened up her beautiful present to find Two Pairs of Spanx…

Apparently that’s an appropriate gift… Two Pairs of Spanx… Two Extended Pair of Rubber Armor… I decided to be gracious and I Thanked Her…

I understand the general concept of The Spanx… They suck in your tummy… And anything else that needs sucking… I was a little started at how strong these mothers are… These contraptions could hold back Hoover Dam… Never mind my Woeful PMS Bloated Bunny Belly…

So, the moment was upon us… I squeezed myself into The Spanx… And Instantaneously… I got my Size Six Figure Back… Everything outward had been sucked inward… Let me tell you, These Mothers WORK … These mothers work so well I could have fit back into my Prom Dress… the one I wore at sixteen… Skinny M.E. … Again!!

And … Five seconds later … I lost the will to move… or breathe… Instantaneously there was so much pressure on my bladder I almost had an accident… Never mind the pressure in my bowels…

After five minutes I started gasping… black spots dancing before my eyes … and the room started spinning… I almost lost my balance…

Yeah, I look fantastic In The Spanx… I’m skinny again… I’m also barely functional… Yes …. The mothers sucked in my tummy … They also almost sucked me out of existence… When I wear The Spanx, I turn into a brunette version of Paris Hilton… Very Attractive, and Completely Useless….

I haven’t ripped off a piece of clothing so fast in my life… not even on my Wedding Night…

I protest The Spanx… I refuse The Spanx … Damn The Spanx… Screw the Spanx… Never again will I wear The Spanx… They Suck….

Literally…

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Posted on March 12th 2015 in Raving